Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
