I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
