I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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