I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize