I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The air was thick with penises
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
