Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
