respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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