Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
