You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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