So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
