I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
