I'm lost and stupid without you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
