ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
