I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
