Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There r osticjed everywhere
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
