I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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