honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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