Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
