Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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