they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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