i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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