Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
