what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
