If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
