Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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