I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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