My Higher Power is John Stamos
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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