Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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