When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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