Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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