my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
