the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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