And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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