were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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