it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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