I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
