It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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