woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize