She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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