Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
