i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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