Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
