he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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