im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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