I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
