Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
