we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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