Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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