Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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