All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize