i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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