doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
