So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize