why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
