It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
