Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
