You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize