Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
