I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
