I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
