I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
