white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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