Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
