In the future we'll all be gay
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
