I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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