I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
