Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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