That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
