Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize