You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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